We are prepared to offer a significant cash reward for any information regarding the whereabouts of the 38th President of the United States, Gerald R. Ford, aka , Leslie Lynch King, Jr., aka "Gerry", aka "Mr. President", aka. "Former President", aka, "Flip Um Back Ford" (no, really, you can look that one up!) Please, no Gerald Ford look-alikes or impersonators. Also, no tangental historical figures like "Squeaky" Fromme, Sara Jane Moore or Nelson Rockefeller.
This offer not valid in any of the 48 contiguous United States, nor in Alaska or Hawaii, nor anywhere in the continents of North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Antartica, Africa, or Australia. This offer also is not valid on any Island, archipelago, peninsula or sandbar, nor on the surface of the ocean, the floor of the ocean, nor at any depth in the ocean. This offer also does not apply on any lakes, ponds, estuarys, rivers, streams, brooks, babbling brooks, canals, rivulets, sinks or bathtubs. This offer is not valid on Native American reservations nor any land that is currently claimed by anti-government zealots or by squatters. This offer also does not apply to U.S. or non- U.S. personel currently stationed anywhere in the world. In addition, this reward may not be claimed by anyone currently living in the "Green Zone" in Iraq. It also may not be claimed by anyone in the Red Zone, Yellow Zone, Loading Zone, or who feels that they are in "The Zone". All local zoning laws apply. Anyone believing they are eligible to claim this reward must submit a blood sample, will be asked a series of highly personal and illogical questions and will be asked to sing the song "The Hardest Button to Button" by the White Stripes in at least three languages. There may be a small fee and if there is no small fee there will be a large fee.
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